Getting to know myself.

Blogging with a heavy heart again. 

I'm on the way home now after my art... I can't help it, I'm tearing on train again....  I clearly know that it is not that i did not do my best, what I fail to do was trusting the wrong person for my art... Now I know how important TRUST is to me. Before that, I need to clarify that I'm not blaming anyone. 

Think about putting your heart and soul and all the effort on something but, just by trusting the wrong person wasted all your effort... How I wish I'm not a indecisive person, how I wish I can just follow my heart without thinking too much that it might not be as good, in simple words, I have low self esteem and no confidence. 

If you seen the video I posted on INSTA, just to let you know, It took me alot of courage to post that, it took me alot of NGs to do that. Tho' I know it wouldn't be as nice, but I asked myself, why not just give it a try? 

Yea that spirit... How I wish I have that spirit for everything. 

I'm a person with too much of self conscious, I care too much bout how people see in me, I care too much bout how people feel. 

Something that I've been keeping in for very long, something that I need to let go.   

Okay let's go back to my art. 

I just hate it when I can't decide which is nice or bad, I hate it when someone actually knows that you're upset/depressed and deliberately make things worst for you to move on. All they said was " move on" but what they are actually doing is pulling you down. 

I know I shouldn't let anything else affecting me if I have the determination for something, and .. Guess what? It led to the point where I let my self esteem kill me. 

I have a weak heart, I know, I get upset easily, yes. I'm still trying to adapt to everything.... Things that doesn't go well on me, trying to accept the fact that things doesn't always go the way you wanted, or things never go the way you wanted.  Well sometimes. 

People pull you down, and all you gotta do is to get up. 

I know I will get up someday. Stronger. 

But .. When?  

I dislike it when I let emotions taking control over me. 

I stopped telling people close to me about how I feel... 

Sometimes if something made me feel even more unhappy, I told myself to swallow it down. At first it hurt alot, after awhile its numb. 

I really hate how I can't decide things properly, I hate it so much.  

 

I've been putting so much effort in it, and now what's in my mind is that I'm gonna flunk it. 

Why am I not like the others, why isit that they didn't put in as much effort as I did but they can be alot more better than me? 

i can tell you that I worked so hard to make things work. And I worked really heard. What's even harder was, telling myself that I can do it even knowing that someone/somethings. 

 

Even now there's still a lil bit of positivity in me...... I know it's hard, I'm going to keep holding on and working harder for everything to work. 

I've got so much to say but, nothing to say.  

That's all. Bye.